a colored spectrum

With or without you

i tend to self-contradict at times, despite being a clear-minded.

true, i never like to be left alone despite the fact that i savour solitude and tranquility from a peace of mind, but neither do i like to be having someone around me all the time.
it gets a tad too irritating for comfort. how contradictory...

Loneliness has this mysterious force of overwhelming me, random thoughts flooding my head when i am left alone for 3hrs. i get bored. just bored. not over anything or anyone. and that upsets me.

occasionally, i would whine that i'm spending too much time with Joshua.
everyday just meet him to chill out, sleep and watch tv. do nothing.
it bores me. i like to be engaged in activities, considering that i have a short attention span.

but take me away from him for 3hrs and i start to think too much about nothing. weird thoughts.
insecurity, uncertainty, doubts and paranoia fills that vacant void.
aptly said, something is missing in my life.

the same goes for meeting him everyday.
yes, see the same person, do same things everyday.
so bland. so ordinary. so not-interesting.
but, should i not meet him that very day, even for a mere one hr, i feel 'funny'.
as in.... it occurs to me that i have not done something today and that doesn't feel right.
something is missing...
i scratch my head and wonder, trying to put my day into perspective; figure out the missing puzzle.

even if i am out with my own friends to chill out, my mind would constantly be thinking about him.
"what is he doing now, what time should i go home so he won't worry too long" etc etc.
correct, he calls every hour when i am out with my friends to just see if i had eaten, where am i etc.
it sometimes can get annoying when you are in the midst of an intimate conversation with your buddies. but if he doesn't do that, i would probably think that he doesn't even care about my existence. contradictory isn't it?

when he is around, i yearn for some individual space.
when he is away, i yearn for his companionship.
that translates into: i need Joshua to be around me but not physically right beside me. just be somewhere where i can see you once a while, call your name when i am confused, and hug you when i want to be affectionate.

what makes my day complete is when i reached home, give him a call and we chat about everything and anything. just be together and enjoy each other's company. fall asleep with him beside me, knowing that i am being loved and protected...

With or without you.

posted by Veen @ 21:02